Is it me?

So it's that time where I talk about something a little deeper, and that is self-confidence. 

This is something that I have had to deal with for a very long time, and I am only just starting to believe in myself.  Ever since I was a child I have been victimised in some way with regards to my social background as I was seen as the 'quiet rich girl'.  People would not let me speak and I would constantly see the facial expressions of disgust and confusement when I said something a bit stupid.  For a while I thought, 'huh maybe I should just not talk! Then things will get better!'. 

Long story short: it didn't.  

One particular story comes to mind, which was from 5 years ago in one of my maths classes.  At this point I was slowly starting to come out of this slump of being scared to talk and made the brave decision to actually answer a question in class. To me this was a big deal, I mean who wants to draw attention to themselves?! I didn't get picked to answer the question, but when a girl answered the question wrong I muttered under my breath the answer '34'.  

For some reason, one girl in my class decided that this was hilarious (seriously, I don't get this either) and decided to taunt me for the rest of the year saying '(my surname), *mimes* 34!' in an over exaggerated way. I was confused and scared to talk in class for the rest of the year.  

Stories like this occurred throughout the year, such as when a girl decided to pull her trousers down whilst I was getting changed for PE and rub her bum in my face when I didn't respond to her.  Or there was the time when one girl in my friendship group would constantly talk over me and undermine me whenever I so much dared to talk to the group. 

Safe to say, I am now doing so much better than those girls who I just mentioned.  I am at University doing a degree that I loved whilst they are doing nothing with their lives. I actually saw one of them hanging outside a bus stop the other day whilst I was proudly wearing my University hoodie.  

So why have I created this blog post? Besides, I'm sure you have all read something similar to this before. But I just wanted to put my perspective out there as I have struggled with this for a while and now I honestly don't care if I say something stupid, as there are so much worse things in the world to be.  It has taken me a while, and honestly sometimes I still go into 'quiet mode', but I just think of those girls who taunted me in school and say a quiet thank you to them.  Without them, I would never be where I am today. 

Just remember, it's not you it is almost always them. 

Beckora x